Question from a reader:

Decades ago, I had the opportunity to get involved in missions overseas, and felt strongly compelled to go, but at the time I chose to say no. In the years that followed, the door for that ministry opportunity shut permanently. I truly believe that if I had pursed it, my life would have been much more fruitful spiritually. I’ve asked God’s forgiveness, but I feel so unhappy, afraid, empty, and tormented by self-accusation.

Answer from Stephanie Anderson, EPM staff:

Here are a few thoughts I hope might be helpful. First, I encourage you to read through Randy’s article “What If You Struggle to Forgive Yourself for a Past Sin?” I think much of what he shares there will be a help to you.

Second, I think that you might be experiencing some spiritual warfare related to this situation. There is nothing that Satan wants more than to see God’s people pressed down, burdened with shame, and stuck living with regrets. Paul encouraged us not to be “unaware of his schemes” (2 Corinthians 2:11). Satan doesn’t want us to be effective for God’s Kingdom in the present, right now, because we are always looking back. (And by always looking back at our past regrets and sins, we are keeping the focus on ourselves rather than keeping our eyes on Jesus.)

I love this article from Ray Ortlund about the conviction of the Holy Spirit, as compared to the accusations of the enemy. It sounds like you have already asked God’s forgiveness for the times you have fallen short or not obeyed what you felt was His leading. So ask yourself: does this sound like the way that God wants you to live now, as you walk in His forgiveness, in relationship with Him? Remember, Jesus said: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).  

You wrote about being/experiencing:

so unhappy
afraid
tormented by self-accusation
empty

That is the enemy’s desire for you, not what God desires. “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10).  

What would have happened if you had chosen differently? We can’t know that from this side of Heaven. It reminds me of something C. S. Lewis wrote in The Chronicles of Narnia, when Aslan the Lion was speaking to Lucy about her past choice and what would have happened had she obeyed:

“But what would have been the good?”

Aslan said nothing.

“You mean,” said Lucy rather faintly, “that it would have turned out all right–somehow? But how? Please, Aslan! Am I not to know?”

“To know what would have happened, child?” said Aslan. “No. Nobody is ever told that.”

“Oh dear,” said Lucy.

“But anyone can find out what will happen,” said Aslan. “If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me–what will happen? There is only one way of finding out.”

—C. S. Lewis, Prince Caspian

I love that Lewis has Aslan encourage Lucy to make the right choice now. You can’t change the past, but you can live today by God’s mercy, asking Him for the plan and following it. “Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way” (Psalm 25:8-9). We are all sinners, so what good news that God delights to guide and teach us!

You wrote, “I truly believe that if I had pursued it, my life would have been much more fruitful spiritually.” One, you don’t know that for sure. And two, God is sovereign, and for whatever reasons you ended up where you are, you can trust that He has you where He wants you. So how does He want you to serve Him and impact His kingdom where you live? God’s will is for you to bear much fruit today, as you serve Him right where you live.

Nancy Guthrie writes:

If God’s grace has found us and is clearly at work in us, we do not have to fear that sins in our past or sins in our future will disqualify us from enjoying the benefits of God’s gracious covenant. God has bound himself to us, and nothing can come between us. Your genetic predispositions, your sinful tendencies, the moral failures of your past, the culture you live in, the path you have taken so far in your life—none of these are destined to have the last word in your life. God’s grace toward you in Christ has the last, the lasting, and the determining word in your life... Grace binds you to Christ so that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38–39).

I also encourage you to listen to this episode of Ask Pastor John Piper:

Finally, I really think that it would be wise for you to seek out some biblical counseling. (Perhaps you already have?) Also, have you already talked to the leaders at your church about your struggles to get counsel and support? Sometimes we need outside voices sharing God’s truth with us and giving us another perspective.

I pray that you will come to a place where you see God’s grace as having the last word in your life, and not your past regrets.