Question from a reader:
I'm curious if you have any advice for a guy like me who is single, wants to be married, and loves the vision you share for how to live life for the glory of God by storing up treasures in Heaven. Unfortunately, most women I meet, even those who are serious and godly, don't share that vision.
For example, my desire would be to live very counter culturally by giving away the money designated for an engagement ring for the sake of reaching the unreached in missions (like Jonathan Goforth did). I don’t want to spend money on an extravagant wedding or honeymoon. Who would want to marry me? No one! But I believe living that way so we can give more to others is the most joy-filled life for the glory of God! Any advice or articles on this dilemma?
Answer from Stephanie Anderson, EPM staff:
Your desire to invest in what’s eternal through generosity is admirable. We certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from pursuing radical generosity! Randy shared this story in The Treasure Principle:
I know a single man who came to Christ in his twenties, read the Scriptures, and got so excited that he decided to sell his house and give the money to God. But when he shared this plan with his Bible-study group, something tragic happened: they talked him out of it.
Over the years, I’ve heard from readers who say they believe the group’s counsel saved this young man from an unwise decision. I disagree, largely because I knew his circumstances and the depth of his conviction and his joy at the prospect of doing this. He was highly skilled with a well-paying job.
Had he sold his house and given away the profits, instead of being in the 99th percentile of the world’s wealthy, he might have dropped to the 98th percentile. But he would have had both treasures in Heaven and the joy of knowing he had followed the Lord’s prompting to help others. It would likely have set his life on a trajectory of trust in God instead of conformity to the usual way of doing things. To this day I wonder what great things God might have done through this young man had he not been talked out of doing what he believed God wanted him to do.
What makes this story different from your situation is that he was single, and his decision didn’t involve a spouse. Below are a few thoughts about your particular dilemma, with some reflections from Randy included.
The first thought is that if God wants you to be married, He will bring the right woman into your life. A few years ago, I heard a missionary share some advice to young people. He was not the first to use this analogy, but he said it so well: that life is like a race, and we should be running with our eyes fixed on Jesus. And if marriage is God’s will for us (and of course, it isn’t for everyone), then we won’t need to veer off course, looking and desperately seeking that person. Instead, we may discover that someone else is running alongside us, also pursuing Jesus wholeheartedly, and with similar ministry goals in mind. And that is the solid foundation for a good Christian marriage—two people running in the same direction, both seeking to serve and honor Christ. You can watch the video here if you like. The analogy I just talked about is at the 11-minute mark.
Another thing to consider is that since these things you mentioned are not commands in Scripture, they could be honorable goals but also things to hold loosely as God leads you and your possible future wife, together. Scripture tells us that God does richly provide for our enjoyment too (see 1 Timothy 6:17), and life isn’t just about being utilitarian. We are to provide for our own households (1 Timothy 5:8). We just want to encourage you not to consider ways that your generosity can include your future wife, and for you to be open handed about your goals as the Lord guides you both.
Randy wrote several years ago, “Scripture says that God provides us with material things ‘for our enjoyment’ (1 Timothy 6:17, NLT). When I speak on the subject of money and giving, I try to always emphasize that phrase from Scripture and express how thankful I am for it, because it allows me to enjoy God’s creation without guilt. I’m grateful to have recreational items, including a bicycle and a tennis racket. Nanci and I spend reasonable amounts of money on vacations that aren’t ‘necessary’ but serve to renew us. She and I sometimes go out to dinner, enriching our relationship. These things aren’t essential, yet they contribute to physical health and mental and emotional refreshment.”
While selfishness and extravagance at the expense of loving others are certainly sinful, celebrating a marriage relationship is not wrong, when done with the right motives and desire to honor God. The joy of the marriage celebration is a theme we see throughout Scripture. Jesus performed His first miracle at a wedding, and it was an extravagant gift of grace. God is planning the most wonderful wedding celebration in the history of the universe (Revelation 19).
I talked with my husband to get his point of view. He mentioned a few thoughts: there certainly can be women out there who prefer more simple, modest things, and not being over the top with rings, vacations, wedding celebrations, etc. But no woman wants to be told, “I don’t want to spend any money on you.” After all, a man’s job is to care for his wife, and this can include honoring her through celebrating their love and marriage.
You want to be sure that your generosity is not just directed outside your future home but also inside of it, so that your love and marriage is a joyful reflection of our Savior’s generosity to His own bride. Husbands have a high calling: “In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself” (Ephesians 5:28).
Randy wrote this: “I had to learn over the years that sometimes my desire to give as the default action was being insensitive to Nanci. It was when I learned to be more generous with her (and later our daughters) that she no longer saw my desire to give to kingdom causes as competition with family needs. She learned to find greater and greater joy in giving, and I learned to find greater and greater joy in growing together in the giving journey by leading—but not pushing or pulling too hard in the process. We were holding hands even if sometimes I was a step ahead or in other areas, she was a step ahead.”
One danger (and this is true for any of us) is pride in our own sense of generosity. We have to continually check our motives about giving. Are we giving out of love for God and others? Or does giving/sacrificing certain things actually feed our own pride and sense of how kingdom-minded we are? Are we neglecting to generously love those right in front of us (friends and family) in our desire to give to help others (whose names and faces we can’t see and know)? Now, we certainly shouldn’t neglect giving to the needy just because we sometimes have wrong motives. But we do want to bring our hearts before the Lord and ask Him to reveal any areas where we need to change our hearts and thoughts. “Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me” (Psalm 119:133). “See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:24).
I hope this is helpful. Jesus can be trusted to guide and direct you every step of the way, including in a possible marriage relationship!
