Question from a reader:

Is there a counseling ministry you can direct me to? I have lived with my girlfriend for several years. We have both been divorced. We want to get married. Would God want us to marry or separate? 

Answer from Doreen Button, EPM staff:

Since we can’t sit face to face where I could ask appropriate clarifying questions and hear your story, I will base my answer to your second question (see below for the first) on two assumptions: that you are looking for an honest biblical answer and not just affirmation for what you’re already doing, and that both of you genuinely want to do God’s will.

This story from Randy’s days as a pastor shares some commonality with your situation, and it offers a beautiful solution to one couple’s circumstances:

Many years ago Nanci and I were in a home Bible study in our church. The group had been meeting three months when someone mentioned in passing that one of the couples wasn’t married but was living together…

I explained that now that I knew about this, I would need to go to the young man and share with him the truth…

I asked him if he knew how much we loved him and his girlfriend. He said, “Sure.” Our group had helped them out in various ways. He knew.

I told him I wanted to share some Scripture with him. Then he looked at me and said, “Are you going to tell us we should get married?”

I said, “Yes.”

The words poured out from him. He said, “We really want to. We feel so bad we haven’t. We’re trying to read the Bible and we feel like we’re just a couple of losers. When we go to church, we feel like hypocrites. But we don’t have the money to have a decent wedding, and I can’t afford a ring. She’s so ashamed that we’re not married. It’s awkward because of our baby. And to be honest, I wondered if anyone was ever going to talk to us about it.”

Bottom line, we put our arms around this brother and challenged him to be a real man, God’s man, and honor Jesus and lead his girlfriend, and make this right. He prayed and asked God’s forgiveness for having sex outside of marriage. A burden was lifted from him. Together, we developed a plan for how they could move out from each other just for a few weeks until we could get them married. We laughed and hugged and this brother felt loved and incredibly relieved…

Our small group immediately set up a wedding at our church. On short notice, the women in the group got the girlfriend a dress and everything else, and we found people at church to volunteer food and a cake. Their parents flew in from other parts of the country and everyone cried and celebrated. I had the honor of marrying this couple, and holding their precious baby in the ceremony. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever been part of. I cannot tell you how honored and special this couple felt. God’s people had loved them by helping deliver them from the sin and guilt that entangled them, and bring them to purity and peace.

The sheer joy of that young couple floods my mind when I hear people talk as if they are taking the spiritual high ground by “not laying a guilt trip on Christians who are living together.” We can gently point out sin to each other without using a flame-thrower…

Another reader recently asked a question like yours. Here’s the link to my answer which includes a link to the full version of the above story.

There are many passages in the Bible that state God’s will. I’d encourage the two of you to read Scripture together and be honest with each other and with God about your thoughts, feelings, and choices. Here are a few verses to start with:

Hebrews 13:4

1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

Ephesians 5:31-32

Galatians 5:1, 16-25

Matthew 15:10-20

As Randy and other wise people have said, delayed obedience is still disobedience. And, I’d add that as long as you’re still breathing, it’s not too late to do the right thing (regardless of how “weird” or inconvenient it might seem…consider the alternative as well as the “inconvenience” Jesus suffered on your behalf).

If you choose to grow in your faith together, pursue a godly path, and would like help doing it well, your first step would be to speak candidly with your pastor or small group leader. If you’re not active in a Bible-based church, we may be able to recommend one in your area. Do you know another couple who’s figured out how to do marriage well as a result of following Jesus and who would be willing to walk with you through your faith journey as mentors? Having godly community with others is vital to thriving in God’s Kingdom. We weren’t made to do this alone.

For more formal counseling options, see the Association of Biblical Counselors counseling network.

As I write this, I’m praying that the Holy Spirit will open your eyes, not just to the truth, but also to the vast love Jesus has for both of you. He wants a relationship with you and wants to bless you with the happiness that only comes with a clean conscience from placing Him over every part of your life. You have a choice to make and if you take the long view, the choice is simple (though not necessarily easy). I’ve lived outside His will and inside it and I can tell you from personal experience—and I wish you could see my smile as I write this truth—I wouldn’t go back to the other for anything!

Photo: Unsplash