Question from a reader:

I’m in pastoral ministry, and the Lord put it on my heart to write you about something I've been struggling with. I am very extroverted, yet I'm also reflective, a deep feeler, and sometimes I can overthink things!

A few years ago, my family and I were going through a lot of stress with ministry and personal life. I began to suffer with a lot of anxiety, as well as some depression. So did my wife. Since then, I have grown so much and received a lot of help and tools through Christian counseling and medication. I've also grown so much in my awareness of who I am and how God has created me. 

Yet in my quest to dive deeper, I have found that when I read books that cover topics that require a lot of reflecting and stretching your mind about who God is, I start to feel very down or depressed. For example, I started reading The Dark Night of the Soul by Gerald May, and I couldn't stop reading it, but when I put it down, I felt so depressed. It's like I had a desire to read it, but my mind had a hard time handling it. This has happened with some other books too, and the theme in these books is diving into the mystery of God.

I know that Randy has written in the past about depression. I also know that there could be some spiritual warfare taking place, or I simply may not be in a good place to read something like that. I'm having a hard time discerning what to read and when.

Answer from Doreen Button, EPM staff:

I help Randy answer reader questions. I’ll state the obvious: being a pastor is hard work. Thank you for your faithful service to your church and your family!

You and your wife have experienced—and still are—some significant events and transitions. Emotions can take us on a roller coaster ride during such times—that’s totally normal. I’m glad to hear that you have sought help to deal, not just on the soul level but also on the physical level, with your struggles. If my biblical counseling training has taught me anything it’s that we are a whole package of cells and spirit and hormones and other amazing bits (speaking of God’s mysteries!) and must approach care of ourselves and others holistically.

God gifted each of us uniquely and has placed His Spirit within us to guide us as we seek Him. He has been sending you some clear messages about what is “good” for you at this time and what is not. Listen to those, and respond accordingly. The Amplified Bible renders 2 Timothy 1:7 this way: “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].” If you are distracted into turning inward into dark places by what you’re reading, though the material itself may be neutral, how it affects you is definitely not.

“The Mystery of God” is a big subject. There is so much to learn about Him in Scripture and He invites us into deep relationship with Him where there is joy and peace—where we can enjoy all His attributes and begin to become like Him.

John Ortberg, in Soul Keeping wrote,

In my own darkest time some years ago, my greatest disappointment was deep and unfixable…

But then I did what I have so often done when I cannot think or pray or reason my way out of something. I called Dallas [Willard]. I walked him through the circumstances and the heartbreak and the pain, eager for his answer.

Long pause. “This will be a test of your joyful confidence in God.” Silence. I did not miss the challenge in this sentence, all the more goading for its gentle phrasing. Not just my confidence—my joyful confidence…

If there is a God who is worthy to be the Father of Jesus, I can trust giving this situation as well as my own feelings joyfully into His hands. If there is not, I have infinitely bigger problems than a merely human circumstance. Either way it is true: this will be a test of my joyful confidence in God.

Sometimes God uses difficult times which can seem dark and dry to get our attention and focus back to Him. In my nearly lifelong battle with depression and through the trials I’ve faced, the more I have learned to keep my face toward Him and not inward on my own feelings, the more contentment and peace and light I’ve experienced. I still have occasional “sad” days—there’s a lot to grieve about in a life in a shattered world—but depression no longer has a hold on me.

Please don’t misunderstand me. We must acknowledge and feel our feelings. However, we must not make our feelings an idol, always chasing good feelings, or always seeking the reason for our uncomfortable feelings. (Some people even seem to enjoy feeling bad and push back at opportunities to re-set positively.) Philippians 4 tells us to focus on what are essentially God’s attributes: “whatever is true, righteous, pure, lovely, of good repute, things that are excellent and worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” When I catch myself “going down,” I start with the first item on that list and meditate on what is true. What is truer than God and His Word? I don’t think I’ve ever made it to the second word on the list before my focus is back where it belongs and the darkness fades.

We are deeply entrenched in spiritual warfare. Minute by minute. The enemy doesn’t want us thinking about truth and righteousness and purity. He wants us thinking about anything else—sports, candy bars, how bored we are, how stupid that driver ahead of us is, or the shape of someone who’s not our spouse—so if he can get you interested in “mystery” and it brings you down, he’s happy and you’re not.

After reading your note and my rough draft of this letter, Randy wrote, “I’m skeptical of much of what I see online about dark night of the soul because it’s so subjective, and the ‘Christian mystics’ who speak of it are often vague and do not ground what they’re talking about on Scripture.”

I have not read Dark Night but I read the publisher’s description and see some big red flags. In the following quote I’ll emphasize some of my concerns: “Dr. May shows that the dark side is a vital ingredient for deep, authentic, healthy spirituality. …May emphasizes that the dark night is not necessarily a time of suffering and despair, but rather one of deep transition, during which our lives are clouded and full of mystery as we move through a time of trial and uncertainty to freedom and joy. The darkness of the night implies nothing sinister, but rather that our liberation takes place mysteriously, in secret, and beyond our conscious control….The Dark Night of the Soul embraces the universal spiritual experience of disorientation, doubt, fear, emptiness, ‘dryness,’ and despair, all of which are ingredients in developing a mature, authentic spiritual life.”

This sounds very spiritually romantic. It does not sound biblical. Where in the Bible do you find God telling us anything that resembles “the dark side is a vital ingredient…for healthy spirituality”? Where does He say that liberating us is something “secret”? Or that spiritual dryness, doubt, and fear are essential to us becoming mature Christians, as if we are to seek those things in order to be enlightened? Instead, He says, “Seek first God’s Kingdom and His righteousness…”

Jesus, according to Isaiah 53, goes through “anguish” and afterward returns to light. Hebrews 2:17-18 says, “For this reason He had to be made like His brothers in every way, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, in order to make atonement for the sins of the people. Because He Himself suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted.” Jesus did all the dark stuff so we wouldn’t have to!

Jesus is clear, “I have come that they [His ‘sheep’] may have life, and have it in all its fullness” (John 10:10). The apostle John, in many places, refers to Jesus as light. John 8:12 says “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’”

We don’t need to (nor do I believe, should we) seek darkness in order to find light. We are, as the author of Hebrews puts it, to “fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.” We are to run our life’s race with endurance, keeping our focus on the One, and laying aside our sinful, dark, pre-Christ past. (See Hebrews 12:1-5.)

If I may be so bold, I advise you to immerse yourself in Hebrews and really dig deep into Scripture’s story of who Jesus is. Cross-reference what you see in Hebrews with what Isaiah says about the coming One. We become most like the ones we spend the most time with.

You may regret time spent chasing mysteries, but I guarantee that you will never regret time spent chasing Jesus. God bless you on your path toward Him!